The title of this post is a message to myself. Yes, it’s to all of you who read this, too. But I’m trying to give myself a little pep talk. Okay?
I’ve always felt different. And people have noticed. I was teased as a child. You don’t get teased if you fit in. It’s when you stand out that you become a target.
But, being gentle (for the most part – there is certainly a feisty part of me), I didn’t know how to fight back. And so I didn’t. And I practiced flying under the radar, making myself smaller, blending in.
There’s consequences when you do that. You lose who you are. And you wind up letting other people talk you into how you should live your life. You go along with the status quo, even though you are anything but – and even the opposite of – the status quo.
As people may have noticed, I’ve gone inside myself this last year (or maybe it’s longer, I’m losing track of time), pulled away into nature and time with God without the noise of man telling me who God is. He’s nothing like what I’ve been taught, and what I’ve struggled many, many years to believe. I’ve always connected with him more in nature and quietly, by myself, than anyplace else, and told that wasn’t enough. Well now it’s enough.
There is a great book by Sue Monk Kidd called “When the Heart Waits” about her mid-life journey of finding herself. Who’d have known that I’d have my own similar journey. I’m trying to find the pieces of myself I lost. The pieces I have squelched in the process of getting along in this world.
I have a ways to go, I think. It’s kind-of a roller coaster ride and I still have to live the life I’m in (and it’s a wonderful life, don’t get me wrong). But this I know….even if I’m going along on the outside, I’m not on the inside. I’m becoming me. Slowly, ever so slowly. The true me.
I was going to write something about this true me, but I’m not ready. Because it all comes out defensive. And my goal is to get a place where I am so totally accepting of myself that I don’t give a damn what anybody else thinks.
Working on it, working on it.
And so, let me end with this thought….The world needs us to be our true selves. Otherwise, why were we born? Just to take up space and become another brick in the wall?